South Park Moms are Freaking Psychotic

We all know how stupid the South Park dads are. From Tweak’s dad to Butters’s dad to just about every dad in town, you know if you’re tuning in for new South Park episodes, you’re probably in for some awesomely stupid dad moments.

Remember when Randy blamed Stan for his and Sharon’s divorce? When Kenny’s dirty, drunken father blamed Gerald for his crappy life—and moved into the clubhouse they had built together? Gerald may be the most sane of the dads in South Park, but he’s still had his moments—like when he sued everybody in town against…everybody in town.

But as stupid as the South Park sperm donors can be, the town mothers are even worse. The thing is, most of them aren’t even that stupid, with the exception of Kenny’s mom; instead, they are simply insane.

Take Sharon, Stan’s mother. She tied Officer Barbrady up in her own basement in order to hide the fact that Stan was murdering half the town (when, of course, he wasn’t—the goldfish his “Aunt Flo” had bought him was the real killer). She even buried the bodies she found in Stan’s room, muttering about what a good boy he was—and took the dubious officer’s pants as well! When Stan was kidnapped by Osama Bin Laden, Sharon’s glazed eyes didn’t even recognize her son as she watched on CNN. If Randy Marsh is a drunken idiot, Sharon is a psychotic housewife.

Kenny’s twangy, illiterate mother is constantly showing how stupid she is—whether her future doctor-or-lawyer son was being “burned up like a piggy on a barbecue,” or she was planning on having even more children to complement her already impoverished and hungry family. (Remember the time everyone had to share a toaster waffle?) But she really demonstrated just what a whacko she was in “Chicken Lover” when she beat the crap out of Mr. McCormick. Usually domestic disputes involve a man whopping a woman—and while it’s no better for a woman to hit a man, you have to admit she looked pretty freaking psycho standing there hollering, “I’ll do it again!” as her kids chortled, “Mom hit dad!” in front of a “cop” (Cartman).

Then there’s Lianne Cartman, everyone’s favorite cartoon hermaphrodite. (Um… are there any others?) Sure, she screws everybody from Chef to Mr. Garrison to entire sports teams to robots from the future who dub themselves “Bill Cosby,” and she constantly feeds her already-obese son cheesy poofs and “powdered donut pancake surprise,” but she’s sort of cute in her complete and utter insanity, isn’t she? Anyone else could say that the cat is sleeping with them after Cartman says it’s being a dildo, but when Ms. Cartman coos it, it’s almost “awww” inspiring. I said almost!

I could go on about Butters’s mother attempting to kill him, or any of the mothers who left their kids in town (and this was their fathers’ fault, too, folks!) to fend for themselves when they decided they couldn’t even trust their kids with themselves for fear of molesting them—what a f***** up episode that was!—but I’d rather just skip to our favorite loud-mouthed, nagging, heavyset, pinch-lipped “What-what-what!!!” woman, otherwise known, in Cartman-speak, as Kyle’s Mom is a Stupid B****.

Oh boy, if Sheila is in an episode, you’d better believe it’s going to be full of PC shrieks, V-chip implantation, bris mutations, or at least some outrage over anything—whether it’s toilet humor or profanity or conjoined twin myslexia or toilet humor or—did I say toilet humor? When that big redheaded mama comes marching down to school, town hall, or wherever her current object of pissification is located, everyone is already rolling their eyes as they ask, “What is it this time?” Though we could call her insane, the sad fact is that she represents the face of many parents—and even just PC-obsessed “concerned citizens”—today.

Which is your favorite? What is your favorite psychotic South Park mom moment? Be sure to share in the comments below.